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Affection

by Emma Toureau


 

I probably need affection, but tonight I’ll settle for attention.

Because when I close my eyes and taste your date’s favorite wine on your tongue, my limbs can’t tell the difference between your preference for her body or mine.

Because when I stop listening to the letters leaving your lips and inhale the exhales you line with lies, my ears can’t tell the difference between her name or mine.

Because when I stop thinking and let my hands hover into the hidden hollows that feel like a halo, my conscious doesn’t care if you’re conjuring her fingers or mine.

But, it does care that the unbuckling of your belt buckle berates my boundaries with the confusing conundrum of the comfort of coming home.

Because, I mean,

You feel like knowing how the shower works.

You feel like waking up in your own bed after a trip that was one day too long.

You feel like wandering around in the dark and not worrying about stubbing your toe because you know you left your shoes two inches to the left of that door.

But, its so much more, because

You feel like a direct deposit notification.

You feel like when a full tank of gas only cost $20.

You feel like a full time job with benefits and a good parking spot.

But don’t worry, you made it clear that I was only hired part time.

Because you decided that scheduling conflicts with other places of employment were less stressful to handle than saying three words with the possibility of them becoming two.

“I Do” not like sharing, but I’ve always been told that it is caring and you seem to be the only thing that I care about so, I model my maturity off of the kindergarten cop and handcuff myself to the sentence of silent suffering while watching boys and girls toggle with my favorite toy.

“I Do” not want the details of their dutiful debauchery of derailing my destiny.
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“I Do” not want to wait by my land line while they land lines that make lines go from perpendicular to parallel between parties on nights when I’m partnerless in this group project.

But much like back in school, I’ll carry the weight of finishing on time on mine, so that my partner can practice routes before the big game.

Much like actors, athletes spend more time rehearsing than they do performing.

So, I’ll take advice from Yoda and practice the patience of a padawan, and continue my wine sampling from tasting your taste buds, until you are ready to step into the spotlight of your soulmate.

Tonight, I’ll settle for your attention, but I look forward to the championship of your affection.
 
Emma Toureau is a poet, playwright, and Tower Theatre Company Owner based in Los Angeles, CA. Originally from Washington, DC, she discovered poetry and spoken word while studying at AMDA. She regularly performs her poetry in the LA area and beyond, and is hoping to publish her collection soon! @emma.toureau

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